Wednesday, January 9, 2013

It's Apophis. Did You Miss Me?

Ackeelover Chronicles boasts more than a passing fraternity with the mind behind the campy malevolence of the larger-than-life figurehead Apophis. Fans of Stargate SG-1 know this.

It's a-propos therefore, that this is the established bulletin-board for his intergalactic communications whenever he's in da 'hood, or just feeling the need to talk, as Gods sometimes do.

I read the news today. Oh boy. There it was in black and white. Potentially Dangerous Asteroid - Apophis Bigger Than Thought. But then, I could have told you that. Try nuh miss the memo.

Apophis writes ...

"Nok tel Tau'ri ... it's no secret, having appeared in your global press, that I'm preparing my 2036 assault on your planet. At the moment this involves careful reconnaissance consisting of a series of orbital fly-bys, starting with the one today, should you care to look. Now showing in select skies near you.

My plan is a work-in-progress. Tactics have been altered a bit, since Americans always seem to be able to figure things out. I'm aware that proximity of my orbit has set Australia ablaze yet again, a consequence of having to dodge a careening North Korean satellite. Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive.

It amuses me no end to see the enduring fascination you have with the stars. Star Wars sequels and Star Trek icons Kirk, Spock, Sulu and Uhura. Of course there's Stargate too, what with tweeting O'Neills, an undead Daniel Jackson, pin-up Samantha Carter and that Dark Knight shol'va, Teal'c.

So, prepare for some Goa'uld revenge. The right to carry semi-automatic assault rifles can't avert this strike. Apophis is not scared of Bruce Willis ... and as an unrelated sidenote, since Kanye West has implanted his symbiote in Kim Kardashian, another suitable vessel is needed for my dynasty to continue.

Kree, hol shek ... Apophis (on twitter @actualApophis)

Every effort has been made to preserve veracity in translation. No liability accepted on the part of Ackeelover Chronicles. Any resemblance to persons living or dead purely coincidental.

Don't shoot the messenger.


  1. Apophis, thanks for the laugh! You might want to make your observations more frequent because with our increased technology, you might want to change your mind about attacking. Oh and you can have any Kardashian.

  2. Nice to see you back, Apophis. I am one of Ba'al's minions. I believe that HE has claimed the planet called Earth as His own. So be warned. He prefers to converse with his loyal subjects on Twitter, @cliffmsimon. But he also holds a strong presence on Facebook.

    I suspect that The Great Lord Ba'al will demand an audience with you before long. So, Kree!


  3. I love it... hahaha , too funny and yes I do miss you and still have you set to record on DVR.

    Wonderful blog

  4. I love this, can't believe I missed it! I think more great actors should play the part off screen, it's a breath of fresh air and really makes a day worth while. Kree!

  5. You have an incredible imagination and a sense of humor! I am fan of your blog more than Apophis fan and
    I love this post. It should be Apophis's letter published :)


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