Gently coaxing Apophis.

Okay. You know it and I know it. In these times it's not uncommon to record oneself in a sex act, tactically leak teaser megabytes on myspace or tumblr, then sit back to await that TMZ call.

I get the temptation, and reserve my right to join the insanity at a future date - if I choose to go that route. But for now, I'm onto something better. I'm pandering to humanoid survival instincts and encouraging us all to unite for the sake of this planet.

No buzzwords here. Sustainability. Carbon Footprint. Save a Tree. Nah, I'm in the biz of asteroid deflection now. You heard me.
 

Yep. Marvel Comic stuff, to go along with my uber-envy of Robert Downey Jr.'s current gravity-defying career trajectory.

 

A couple of erstwhile, redoubtable astronomers, who are avid Stargate fans in their real lives, have been in touch with me to help save Earth. Roy Tucker and Virgiliu Pop spearhead an ambitious mission to succeed where SG-1 apparently didn't. They're taking the fight to Apophis and Ackeelover is boldly going along for the ride. Wicked an' wild, Dr. Strangelove style!

 

Regardless of bookie-odds favoring "close shave" vs. "apocalypse," this is a brilliantly simple plan. It's a nice change from routine satellite maintenance, and, a potentially potent, organic response to extraplanetary threat. Yet, it all amounts to nothing without Youtube and you. And me. And Roy. And Virgil.

 

How can this be?, you ask. Has the world gone mad? Uh-uh, this is about destiny, empowerment, and the right to stand up to the Universe and say, "don't hurl any more large baked potatoes at me, son!" A Rockethub campaign has begun. I've been told Apophis himself is aware of this and anticipates the engagement, especially as many doubters have become distracted and complacent.

Pundits are by nature sceptical and may scoff, but plenty suggests that Apophis has not been rendered harmless. It's frightening to think who may ape this orbital terrorism with nefarious intent to enslave, rape 'n' pillage. Yes, pillage - and rape.

I don't have to spell it out for you. Baddies ain't PC.

Since it'll be hard to re-convene any SG-1 team to full-effect readiness (certain to be filibustered in Congress anyhow), the onus of responsibility shifts to egalitarian Tau'ri social media.

Radically apolitical, Crowd-funding is socialism and capitalism simultaneously. A "liberal" approach, which looks "conservative" nex' to all dem fancy nuke options. (Use favorite buzzword here).

Aaaand y'know what? Jaffa Kree! - it juuust might work.

There's a perfect point in everyone's life to look inward with steely resolve and ask of your soul, "should I risk everything for want of a coat of paint?" Yes, we are at that point - spare the paint, spoil the globe. Ask any Siberian. Vote Yarkovsky! (see links).

 

(N.B. - Apophis, not to be underestimated, is said to have a complicit twitter host @actualApophis. Stay informed - and, should there be a sex tape, it's likely to surface there first.)