Gently coaxing Apophis.

Okay. You know it and I know it. In these times it's not uncommon to record oneself in a sex act, tactically leak teaser megabytes on myspace or tumblr, then sit back to await that TMZ call.

I get the temptation, and reserve my right to join the insanity at a future date - if I choose to go that route. But for now, I'm onto something better. I'm pandering to humanoid survival instincts and encouraging us all to unite for the sake of this planet.

No buzzwords here. Sustainability. Carbon Footprint. Save a Tree. Nah, I'm in the biz of asteroid deflection now. You heard me.
 

Yep. Marvel Comic stuff, to go along with my uber-envy of Robert Downey Jr.'s current gravity-defying career trajectory.

 

A couple of erstwhile, redoubtable astronomers, who are avid Stargate fans in their real lives, have been in touch with me to help save Earth. Roy Tucker and Virgiliu Pop spearhead an ambitious mission to succeed where SG-1 apparently didn't. They're taking the fight to Apophis and Ackeelover is boldly going along for the ride. Wicked an' wild, Dr. Strangelove style!

 

Regardless of bookie-odds favoring "close shave" vs. "apocalypse," this is a brilliantly simple plan. It's a nice change from routine satellite maintenance, and, a potentially potent, organic response to extraplanetary threat. Yet, it all amounts to nothing without Youtube and you. And me. And Roy. And Virgil.

 

How can this be?, you ask. Has the world gone mad? Uh-uh, this is about destiny, empowerment, and the right to stand up to the Universe and say, "don't hurl any more large baked potatoes at me, son!" A Rockethub campaign has begun. I've been told Apophis himself is aware of this and anticipates the engagement, especially as many doubters have become distracted and complacent.

Pundits are by nature sceptical and may scoff, but plenty suggests that Apophis has not been rendered harmless. It's frightening to think who may ape this orbital terrorism with nefarious intent to enslave, rape 'n' pillage. Yes, pillage - and rape.

I don't have to spell it out for you. Baddies ain't PC.

Since it'll be hard to re-convene any SG-1 team to full-effect readiness (certain to be filibustered in Congress anyhow), the onus of responsibility shifts to egalitarian Tau'ri social media.

Radically apolitical, Crowd-funding is socialism and capitalism simultaneously. A "liberal" approach, which looks "conservative" nex' to all dem fancy nuke options. (Use favorite buzzword here).

Aaaand y'know what? Jaffa Kree! - it juuust might work.

There's a perfect point in everyone's life to look inward with steely resolve and ask of your soul, "should I risk everything for want of a coat of paint?" Yes, we are at that point - spare the paint, spoil the globe. Ask any Siberian. Vote Yarkovsky! (see links).

 

(N.B. - Apophis, not to be underestimated, is said to have a complicit twitter host @actualApophis. Stay informed - and, should there be a sex tape, it's likely to surface there first.)



It's Apophis. Did You Miss Me?

Ackeelover Chronicles boasts more than a passing fraternity with the mind behind the campy malevolence of the larger-than-life figurehead Apophis. Fans of Stargate SG-1 know this.

It's a-propos therefore, that this is the established bulletin-board for his intergalactic communications whenever he's in da 'hood, or just feeling the need to talk, as Gods sometimes do.













I read the news today. Oh boy. There it was in black and white. Potentially Dangerous Asteroid - Apophis Bigger Than Thought. But then, I could have told you that. Try nuh miss the memo.

Apophis writes ...

"Nok tel Tau'ri ... it's no secret, having appeared in your global press, that I'm preparing my 2036 assault on your planet. At the moment this involves careful reconnaissance consisting of a series of orbital fly-bys, starting with the one today, should you care to look. Now showing in select skies near you.

My plan is a work-in-progress. Tactics have been altered a bit, since Americans always seem to be able to figure things out. I'm aware that proximity of my orbit has set Australia ablaze yet again, a consequence of having to dodge a careening North Korean satellite. Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive.

It amuses me no end to see the enduring fascination you have with the stars. Star Wars sequels and Star Trek icons Kirk, Spock, Sulu and Uhura. Of course there's Stargate too, what with tweeting O'Neills, an undead Daniel Jackson, pin-up Samantha Carter and that Dark Knight shol'va, Teal'c.

So, prepare for some Goa'uld revenge. The right to carry semi-automatic assault rifles can't avert this strike. Apophis is not scared of Bruce Willis ... and as an unrelated sidenote, since Kanye West has implanted his symbiote in Kim Kardashian, another suitable vessel is needed for my dynasty to continue.

Kree, hol shek ... Apophis (on twitter @actualApophis)

Every effort has been made to preserve veracity in translation. No liability accepted on the part of Ackeelover Chronicles. Any resemblance to persons living or dead purely coincidental.

Don't shoot the messenger.

... extraordinary brothers-in-arms ...

... "I'm not an alien," so goes the quip, "but I play one on TV" ...

... at one point in the not so distant past, the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) classified me as an Alien of Extraordinary Ability in The Arts ... my head still swells at the adjective "extraordinary," even as the ascribed primary descriptive "alien" brings to mind fanciful images of almond-eyed Hanna Barbera Martians with ray guns in plexiglassed, single-occupant flying saucers ...

... still, I'm in good company 'cos even the lofty President Barack H. Obama, elected (via rigorous, even tortuous, adult sufferage) to the top office in the-land-which-would-lead-us-all, gets the word "alien" thrown at him from time to time ...

... as brothers-in-arms we have that and more in common ...

... not least of these commonalities are convincingly furrowed brows and mesmerising, outstretched arm gestures ...










... chillin' with my actual brother Stephen last week, high above 86th St. on Manhattan's Upper West Side, we formed a fraternal triumvirate-by-proximity with the POTUS, who, if we had a third sibling, would look like the brotha-on-the-book-cover ...

... again, in the not so distant past this would have been an implausible scenario ... and, while it's not enough to profess solidarity with a politician simply because one looks like him, it's certainly comforting that such an official can finally compare to one's own valid countenance - as well as being a measuredly progressive influence on the direction of the U.S. of A. ...

... speaking as an intergalactic adversary from another dimension (legions of Stargate SG-1 fans accept this as fact, so should you), I'm reconciled to a postponement of any assault on fair Planet Earth until after the end of Barack Obama's second term in office, out of respect for his (literally) extraordinary tenure ...

... should America falter at the polls, Apophis may interdict ...

... le geek chic, freak clique ...

... and then there's the France we all know is there ... that passionate place subsumed in a sediment of stereotypes simultaneously endured and embodied ... this is a recreationally varied culture, from eating to painting, ball sports to politics, making wine to making whoopee ... the inevitability that other cultures also claim these characteristics doesn't detract from France's reputation at the top of this scale ...

... not surprisingly, like most everywhere else, the republique is also experiencing a growing demographic phenomenon centered around the cult of technology and the virtual worship of toys and gadgetry ... swelling ranks of increasingly tech-savvy, matrix-minds is producing a movement of men and women who have come to be known, somewhat endearingly, as geeks ... whatever the language ... in France they even have their own TV show called, interestingly enough, "No Life"...














... destination Midi-Pyrennees, the Toulouse Game Show ... there I enter a world that adds overt, fun-loving dimensions to escapism and fantasy ... Sci-Fi meets Halloween at the intersection of Toulouse and Lautrec one might say ...




















... among the de rigeur zombies and aliens, superheroes, Manga and Cosplay afficionados, were some straight-up Wii-the-people, channeling inner drummers while gettin' their Nintendo on ...









... others were there to connect with Kinect, the au courant offering from industry-giant Microsoft, featuring controller-free, sensory interaction with your best friends, via Xbox 360 ...

... on this November weekend, playful geeks of every description came in from the cold to welcome geeks-by-association Peter Williams from "Stargate SG-1", Richard Hatch from "Battlestar Galactica", Shinji Hashimoto, a pre-eminent Japanese game producer ... and the home-grown bad boys from "No Life" ...

... uber-geeks Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and more recently, Sean "Napster" Parker and Time Magazine's Person-of-the-Year Mark "Facebook" Zuckerberg, emerge from these ranks to suggest geek as the new cool, making it monumental folly to overlook this burgeoning bloc of binary brains ...

... the Apophis agenda ...

... when you score a part on a television series you don't necessarily expect it to run for ten seasons, spawn spin-offs or become part of popular culture ... you can wish for it, yes, but it's advisable not to bet the farm on runaway success ... however, science-fiction serials often go viral and achieve immortality in unexpected ways, like Star Trek and the mega-movie franchise Star Wars ... so, my lengthy involvement as Apophis in the Stargate phenomenon had both precedent and portent ...

... being cast as the grand nemesis, successor to the flamboyant Ra character played by Jaye Davidson in Stargate-the-movie, promised a measure of singularity, not just owing to extravagant make-up, "Mickey Mouse" ears, killer bling and golden costumery, but also a virtual exemption from absolute vanquishment ...

... these days, well into episodic syndication (a fancy way of saying re-runs), it occurs to us we never actually saw him die but assumed his demise based on the predicament leading up to the fireball thought to have consumed him ... in the tradition of Elvis sightings, reports of the death of Apophis seem greatly exaggerated, and there has proven to be quite an afterlife for this pompous false God ... the identification in 2004 of an orbiting asteroid with a statistical potential to collide with planet Earth has raised the spectre of this resurgent villain once again ...

... the astronomers who named this threat after my character, David Tholen and Roy Tucker, are Stargate fans only too familiar with the predictably unpredictable re-appearances of Apophis ... a pattern mirrored by this inter-galactic rock that resembles a huge Irish potato or a flaming Idaho super-spud ...

... calculations have Apophis close enough to Earth in 2012 to make better observations, but not close enough to counteract any Tea Party tilt at the American Presidency ... some likely gravitational adjustment in 2029 makes 2036 the year to ditch those insurance policies and have your bucket lists completed ...

... even Dick Cheney's successors, Blackwater and the mighty U.S. military would have to bow to Apophis ... the Russians, not trusting NASA projections that put most of the former Soviet Union under the asteroid's trajectory, want to pre-emptively shoot it down or deflect it over Washington, Waco or Wasilla ... they may only succeed in making Apophis really mad ...

... knowing Apophis like I do (I remain one of this world's foremost experts on the mindset of this persistent antagonist), I can safely state; Apophis will not throw the babes out with the bathwater ... before unleashing Armageddon he'll most likely take a sampling of Tau'ri (read Earthling) womankind as tithe or entitlement, to play Caligula while amassing an army or two on some distant planet in preparation for a future assault ...

... meanwhile, ever since the great civilisations of ancient Egypt, his mythology builds to crescendo ... there's even contemporary reasoning that the coming of Apophis was predicted in The Bible, and all sorts of creative souls continue to pay homage via artwork like this ethereal representation from a fan named Renee ...

... if the unthinkable happens, and the force that is Lord Apophis returns, riding on a baked potato to wreak havoc on the world which repeatedly frustrated him on televisions across the known universe, we can't say we weren't amply warned ... a penultimate twist-in-the-tale perhaps, is seen in this impact-rendering by the coincidentally named NASA-affiliated artist Don E. Davis ...

... I suspect that, somewhere, the late actor Don S. Davis, who portrayed Stargate Command's General Hammond helping to repel the early attacks of Apophis, would chuckle at the irony ...