A Bigga Ford.

By now you might have heard of the delightful Tessanne Chin. She's that Jamaican songstress and media-darling who recently swept all before her on the way to triumph on "The Voice" USA. Charming, centred, adroit and demure, our Tess rode da riddims of her native wordsong into the hearts and souls of millions.

Well, for every Tessanne, it seems there's an anti-Tessanne.

In a turn of events, closely resembling a Maury Povich premise, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has become the latest flashpoint Jamaican dialectician. Boombastic epithets, viral memes and all.

A nuh Missis Chin likkle girl dis ... it's the bumboclaat antithesis.

Loyal bro, Doug, stumps for Rob's political survival just like sis Tami pulls for Tessi's rising star. Comparisons end there. Y'see, Tessanne is a goodaz gyal, while our Mayor makes uncool copy and has running beef wit' da local sheriff - Police Chief Bill Blair.

"Babylon newspaper seh so, I and I seh so, so what more the people want to reveal?," mused the Rasta prophet. Now, if everyone's commenting on the same thing, it's that much harder to be original.
Enter those easy-to-reach cultural signifiers for Jamaica, add a dash of reticence to appear culturally adrift - cue tricolour Marley memes.

As Rob rhymes with Bob - bobsled down this linguistic luge with me. Paraphrasing Rastafari dread style and pattern is its own cottage industry. Broadsheets, blogs and twitter parody accounts, like @MayorRobMarley, leap enthusiastically at typical Marley-brand imagery to feed Toronto City Hall's Tuff Gong-show.

 

 

"Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." (Proverbs 20:1).

 

Rob Ford's synapses, inebriated and along for the ride, default to bad words in the face of Bacchanal. Not unusual by itself, until incongruity rears its ugly head in a too-cute performance of base guff, communicating on more levels than he likely understands.

And the hits just keep on coming. Wheel up selecta!

  

 Jamaican language is a dynamic mix-up-mix-up of English and Patwa. Perpetually evolving. It is confident and coolly captivating in cadence. Together with its kin, Reggae, we have a contagious combo. Only the uptight are genuinely immune, but the case of  Mr. Mayor shows signs of advanced Yardie-mylitis.

 

Despite being as good a bloodclaat Ja-fake-an mimic as rassclaat Snoop Lion, Natty Rob is no Mystic Man like Peter Tosh, who once scandalized polite society by releasing a song entitled ... yes, "Oh Bumboclaat!"

 

 

My Tessanne Chin references are admittedly a tad gratuitous, but the piece was desperately seeking beautification, y'nahmean?

 

In realworld Jamaica, politicians often flex like rockstars, and cops too. I crack up - no pun intended - visualizing the unseemly outcome if this played out on the public scene there. Rob Ford clashing with a top cop and cussing him all kine a claat! 

 

If, after a storied career, he wasn't approaching retirement I'd have just the match-up. Robamuffin vs. Legendary Supercop (and coincidental namesake), Cornwall "Bigga" Ford. Then again, they're both facing impending retirement, so why not?

 

#Readytorumble meets #Mannersanddiscipline Uptown.

Ringside sell off.

  

... a yah so nice ...

... it wasn't too long ago that topflight reggae family Morgan Heritage had a massive hit song which answered a Norwegian visitor's legitimate query as to why so many Jamaicans seem to favor the facial expression known as "screwface" ... as is true of many a straightforward question, answers can be inconclusive, even contradictory ... such is the discrepant nature of this remarkable place, dubbed Xaymaca (Land of Wood and Water) by the original Arawak inhabitants ...

... after indicating specific harsh realities of life in contemporary Jamaica comes the song's chorus, a response in the form of a question, "... do you see anything fi smile 'bout?" ... in truth, centuries of colonial and post-colonial forces have shaped this nation like penknife-whittled wood ... natural habitats are now compromised by humans, as elsewhere, and survivalism is honed to correlate to the landscape, both geographical and cultural ...

... yet, visceral beauty remains a defining feature of the island ...

... that beauty is binding energy for Jamaicans everywhere ...

... from personal observation, you certainly can take the man out of Jamaica but you can't take the Jamaica out of the man ... this is because the zeitgeist we exhibit today actually melds that which some feel we've lost, namely, old-world traditions forged from empire, and combines them with the inevitable exuberance of the unleashed ... the social result isn't monolithic but is, at least partially, painted red, gold and green ... abundant soil, above and below, subtly lavender Lignum Vitae blossoms and flamboyant Poinciana complement a fulsome assortment of fruiting flora ...

... don't get me going on the fruiting flora! ... another day ...

... with due respect to the Morgans, and that cleverly crafted landmark tune, brother Bob Marley's Positive Vibration and Smile Jamaica are my prescribed pick-me-ups for the people in this dispensation of time (as Peter Tosh would say), since 2012 provides a perfect storm for navel-gazing ... if we can hold onto anything learned since Independence, it's that there is always something to smile 'bout ... if your heart can see ...

"picking up, are you picking up now?" - Bob Marley

JAMAICAN GLOSSARY

"a yah so nice" - literally, "here is nice"

(handle with care, may also refer to erogenous zones)

"screwface" - facial expression of displeasure/skepticism

(may be shortened to "screw"- not commonly sexual, but hey ...)

Lignum Vitae - a rock-hard tree

(the blossoms are Jamaica's National Flower)

Poinciana - charmingly known as Flamboyant in Antigua

zeitgeist - not Jamaican, but cool anyway
(smile)